Neurosis Is Furry and Talks
The street light blinked intermittently as I approached the corner. All I wanted was catch a bus, go home, eat something and maybe watch some old cowboy movie on the tube. My focus was interrupted by a dog standing there; not just a dog, but a white poodle wearing a black beret with some type of flash on the front resembling a paw. He looked at me as I stood a few feet away causing an uneasy feeling, a trepidation. This poodle looked too intent, overly serious and I wanted nothing to do with it. Poodles are neurotic, sexually repressed, and just strange when their eyes are open.
I stood there for a few moments and then eased my way over to catch the newspaper headline. My eyes were scanning when suddenly two paws appeared and knocked newspaper box over. The poodle glared at me with beady brown eyes and then hissed out something always to be remembered.
"Look buddy, if you're too cheap to buy a paper, then why should I let ya have cheap glances over my shoulder, huhhhhh"
I was completely taken back by this Charles Bronson manner and finally stammered out, "you're talking! Where did you learn to talk?"
"Call me Pierre, Mac. Duhhhhhhhhhhh!! Learning to talk was easy--just cock your ear to stupid humans and gather all that knowledge in. That's why I have two savings accounts, a condo by the lake, an authentic carving of Lassie's nose and voted for Bush twice since he paid me."
"Well, well, what do you want, Pierre?"
"Easy enough....we organized to stamp out human repression, oppression and crappy impressions. Nothing worse than a human tryng to do an authentic poodle bark. Disgusting, absolutely disgusting."
"But you got an attitude and it seems like others are following you."
"Yah, we organized a militant group, PAW, Poodles Against Whatever, dedicated to freeing canines all over the world. So far we have trained pilots, mechanics, MacDonald's short order cooks and even a cocky French poodle taking Lance Armstrong on. Sure thing!!"
"You mentioned violence; turns me off," I said in a most convicing manner.
"Mac, we'll have 5 horny poodles all over you in a NY second doing all the wet stuff to convert or bore you to death through forced readings of Ann Coulter! Think of it as seeing Gallagher without wearing a full body condom."
"So, that's it, Pierre. You want to dominate humans."
"Oh, Mac, you're getting part of the picture. We already have humans in the palm of our paws. Watch any house and see who rules the routine-a dog. Unless, of course, they have a stinking cat. Cats can't be trusted, are just too stubborn and humans fall over them. Its their way or else. Hey, we go through all this stuff just to make humans think we're cute and cats do nothing but be cats. It just jerks my tail whenever I think about it!!"
"So what do you really want from us?"
"Food, recreation, no fetching the ball or stick,, an occasional night, freedom from stupid talk and oh, god, forgot those humans that want to make fashion statements with us. My so called owner wanted me to wear these polka dot ribbons that practically labeled me as a flamer, but I went radical instead to confuse her already neurotic life."
"Okay, this is a silent revolution where no one gets hurt?"
"Yah, kind of, Mac. But we reserve the right to bite anyone and make no promises. Another thing, badges, we hate those stinking animal control badges. Talk about people that need a high colonic and a vacation to Congress!! Kojack tried to come after me with a net, but I whipped out my all purpose growl which not only made him drop the enslaving instrument, but gave him a thought. Perhaps for the first time!
"Okay, I understand. Best thing to do is just stay out of your way, give you respect and treat equally."
"That about sums it up, Mac, but remember the urge to mistake you for a fire hydrant is always there."
"Well, Pierre, your turf is cool with me. By the way, where is your turf?"
"Wherever a poodle is oppressed; wherever a poodle is forced to undergo stupid fur styling done by a human barber school reject; wherever a postal carrier gets too cocky; and most of all, wherever dogs are in stupid commercials."
"Hey, Mac, you know we've already infiltrated the White House and have place a high level mole in the Oval Office. Won't tell you who, but our contact is in contact with us every day. By the way, the White House pooch is a doozie, flaky and needs Prozac. There's a new day dawning and Bush will tremble when PAW strikes. You should read some Marx, Mao Tse Tung and Lenin. They all had their minds developed by poodles-no problem. Well, they did strange things around fire hydrants, always lifting their legs, but specialized training cured them of that."
"Okay, thats it...I'm going home. Sit down with my dog, a Toy Fox Terrier, and bond."
"Good deal, Mac, but terriers are hyper and like to bark in their sleep. Keep up the good work and remember we are always around watching. PAW is prepping for persistent acts to perpetuate poodle rights permanently.
I walked down the dimly lit street wondering if this had been just a dream. It was too bizarre, too strange and a talking dog.....I stepped across the street and was heading down the block where I live when a voice boomed out at me: "hey, don't jaywalk like that again or I'll ticket you." I froze in my tracks expecting a burly Irish-American cop to come out of the darkness to chastise me. Instead it was a grayish-white Poodle wearing a cop uniform. I shuttered and listened to the lecture until he nipped at my heels to go away. I went home, took my clothes of, drew bath water and prayed not to have plumbing problems since the tech would probably be another poodle"
Tomorrow is another day.