Why Worry When You Can Be Press Secretary?
Sponge Scott McClellan, President In A Bubble's Press Secretary, cannot keep up with the latest variations of policy emanating from his own White House. You can't help, but feel sorry for him being placed in a position where he has to continually spin against an increasingly hostile press corps. So let's create a typical news conference with Sponge Scott:
Sponge: Good Morning, I'm Sponge Scott here for another edition of the No Spin Zone.
Press: How do you relate your initial retracted opinions regarding Newsweek stories creating riots and death in the Muslim world with the revelation that magazine had submitted prior copy to the Pentagon for clearance?
Sponge: Well, this is another example of the liberal media telling an outright falsehood which hasn't been substantiated.
Press: Uhhh, it has been with revealed documents...
Sponge: Ohhh, haven't read that....next!
Press: Sponge, how did Jeff Gannon obtain clearance for White House press conferences when he could not pass security background at Capitol Hill?
Sponge: Isn't the day beautiful? I just love the smell of cherry blossoms in the morning....
Press: Will you respond to the question, please?
Sponge: Jeff was given temporary clearance by someone, somewhere, here or there. Maybe after a date or two. Whatever!!!
Press: He lobbed you softball questions and then made up to 200 visits to the White House after hours according to Secret Service logs. How did this happen?
Sponge: Next question....(sighhh, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, elbow to his rib)
Press: The number of violent incidents and related military and civilian deaths have been increasing in Iraq yet the President claims the new government has made great strides in security. Is this so?
Sponge: Don't believe everything you read from a press whom we don't fully control yet. Wonderful progress has been made in Iraq. In fact, both Americans and Iraqis can stroll over to McDonald's for a sandwich and then to the golf course for 18 holes without worrying about their personal safety. Its only when you leave the United States and in Iraq that some security issues become apparent.
Press: There is criticism of the President diassembling facts and statistics for his own benefit. How do you answer that?
Sponge: Disassembling is a very harsh phrase. The preferred is creating since he is so spontaneous with his simplistic replies. Why just the other day I inquired about a pay raise and he asked me point blank: do you work for me? I was impressed enough to start a blank paged book to be published.
Press: There are calls for our prisoner camp in Gitmo to be closed due to persistent reports of prisoner abuse. What is the administration viewpoint?
Sponge: Just a moment, let me develop one. Okay, our viewpoint is Gitmo is not a gulag.
Press: Thats fine, but could you please address the question. And by the way, gulag is just another word for prison.
Sponge: The response is simple. There is no mistreatment of individuals who do not possess any rights to begin with and are just Muslims, terrorists all, and never mind!! They were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and we snatched them away. And don't be smart hitting me with definitions of former commie words!
Press: Recent court decisions have ordered the administration to release or charge certain prisoners particularly those with US citizenship. How do you justify denying US citizen's rights in light of subsequent court decisions?
Sponge: The judiciary is in a runaway mode right now, but won't be for long. We'll reel those buggers in so fast their ears flap for making these kind of unlawful decisions. Our viewpoint is the court made the decision, now enforce it. If the president says it, its law.
Press: Say that again.
Sponge: Uhhhh, I said if the president says it, its probably not flawed.
Press: That's not what I heard.
Sponge: You've got bad hearing; and probably liberal too.
Sponge: One more question......
Press: We have had numerous wounded during this and prior conflicts, yet the President is insistent about cutting back as well as diverting more Department of Veteran Affairs funding. A Pentagon spokesperson also stated national security is more important than the wounded in response to admitting adequate funds do not exist for treatment and compensation. How can that be justified with all the current needs of Servicemembers and Veterans?
Sponge: Its seems readily apparent they wouldn't have been wounded if they had what it really takes to do the job. Only those who wanted to be hurt came away in that condition and why should we reward them for it. It really chafes my non-military serving underwear to spend millions on a group who simply refused to be trained not to accept casualty status. Only right thinking people should be allowed to serve in the military and of course, after signing a waiver of liability.
Press: Does the President agree with this?
Sponge: Agree with it; he simplified and solidified the policy. It went through a strenuous analysis by congressional non-Veteran members for impartiality and came out this way. Isn't it wonderful to have a President that cares. Now, will you all bow your heads in prayer for the great man who leads us not.....in temptation that is.